Just one sad little girl.

lol seriously?

I really don't want to scare you away is all...

Cried more in this weekend than I have in a long time. So stressed, depressed, upset, everything.

Happy Halloween.

When.

Now I know what the feeling of your heart dropping into your stomach feels like. I can mark that off my list~

I used to write a lot. Poems just flowed to me. It came so easy to me. Now.... When I try to write something I immediately hate it, delete it, and stop. I hate this.

Kelly's Personality Test Time

Stumble Upon.com is a good place to find these.

Personality Test

My "trait snapshot" is- introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual
(highlight over that to read it, blogger hates me right now)

Yipee for that. lool.

Personality Disorder Test

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.
Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.
Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Might do more later but for now this is good enough for me.

Dear mom and dad,

I'm sorry for how I turned out. It's not your fault, you guys aren't bad parents. It's me.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know who I am.

Night.

Every time the computer turns off a part of me dies inside. It always turns off when I'm happy. So I get depressed all over again.

I just wish that we could all be happy.

I just want to be fucking free.

I'm sorry.

I've never felt more alone.

I'm worried and scared.

Xenotelephobia. Pronounced: Zee-No-Teh-Leh-Foe-Bee-Uh The fear of talking on the phone to strangers

I want someone to love me.

Well that hurt.

It hurts

Metathesiophobia- fear of changes.

97 days and 11 hours since I last had a real conversation with him. The worst one in my life.

Blogger is dead.

I remember what I wished for every night for this summer. lol.

Lol. I was on formspring and for a second I thought I saw him. But after looking I realized it was someone else. Then I remembered he deleted his formspring when it all started happening. Silly me.

I got rid of the blog he made me. I'll change it back to my older one I had earlier soon. My computer's being weird. It's a step I guess. Oh yeah and that also means comments are back too. Even though only like 3 people read my blog... lol.

I hate change. I also hate blogger right now and my computer. lol.

This layout has to go soon.

"I love to spend time with myself."
lol. I hate to spend time with myself.

Oh wait no that was him wanting to kill himself. Not not wanting to be my friend. Even better.

I just lost one of my best friends didn't I. Oh god.

It's really cold.

So fucking stressed.

You are a fucking joke. You ruined me. Why did I love you so much. This is a wound that will never heal. Ever. Only you can still make me cry just by the THOUGHT of everything I went through for you and did for you.

You fucking ruined me.

I FOUND IT!

THIS LAYOUT! FINALLY.

You had it coming to you.

I'm worse now that you're back.
But I would be even more worse if you left again.
I hate this.
I hate it so much.

*sigh*

Fake Smile

She looked at me.
The expression on her face was fake.
She was trying too hard and I could tell that she just wanted everyone to believe everything was okay.
There may of been a smile on her face but her eyes told much more than she thought.
Loneliness.
Her eyes screamed out to me.

"Help me."

Last night was the happiest I've ever been in a while. Thanks David :c <3

My whole fucking life is officially over as of now. She found them. It's not long until they find all of them.

He's obviously moved on. I just wish I could do the same thing right now.

"Are you not going to blog anymore?"
"yep"

fuck.

Jocy and I were going through pictures I drew when I was 6ish. 80% of them were people bleeding and dying while the other 20% were cats and creepy hearts with faces. Hm.

He forgot.

I knew I would never get what I really wanted.
Oh well.
It was still a good birthday with my friends.

The one thing I want for my birthday the most.... There's a 90% chance I won't get it.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall.

When I look into a mirror I don't see myself. Is this normal?
I see a girl, mocking me.
An evil grin plays across her face, she knows she's better off than me.
She knows how I feel, and laughs at it.
She knows the pain and suffering that are battling inside my body, while she is without flaw.
My life and hers are very different, and she knows it.
She is protected from all the evils in the world on the other side of this mirror, while I am vulnerable to every single one of them.
She mocks me some more as she copies my every move.
Pretending to be like me.
I hate her, she is not me.
She knows I hate her too, it just gives her more pleasure to see the anger in my eyes.
I want to crack this mirror and shatter this person who is not me, to never look at her face again.
But that is impossible.
Mirrors reflect the being on the other side.
I am her. No matter how much I say I'm not.
I am a beast.

Memories.

I remember every time we would go to Skyline after girl scouts we would have a contest to see who could get the coolest stickers from the machines.

I remember staying up all night, just to wish you happy birthday the minute it was true.

I remember writing countless stories with you, having so much fun.

I remember going down into your basement and how we would play Smash Brothers on your Game Cube for hours and hours.

I remember the day you told me what manga was. I thought you were crazy.

I remember the "Mountain Dew Guy"

I remember when we were selling girl scout cookies at a Wallmart a guy stopped by in a Sunny D truck and gave us both 6 packs of that stuff.

I remember when I thought he said "The Porno Creature" due to my horrible hearing.

I remember when you and your friends drew all over my face when I was the first person to fall asleep at your birthday party.

I remember how much of a picky eater you still are. Vegetarian means you don't eat meat period. "Bird" as you like to call it DOES NOT COUNT.

I remember the first sleepover I ever had was at your old house.

I remember playing pirates on your bunk beds, you wouldn't play unless you were made the captain.

I remember crying to you and you comforting me. Countless times.

I remember when we went to Disney World together.

I remember my first concert with you. It was Kelly Clarkson and Reba.

I remember the first day I forced you to read a manga. But now your mom is more obsessed with it than you are.

I remember walking to Kroger with you just to get a pack of taco seasoning.

I remember how many times I've cried because you've made me so happy.

Tell me, what happened to all those times.
Why don't they happen like they used to.
Why are all of you so distant.
Why.

I miss you. I miss you so fucking much.

Oh joy tonight is going to be a fun one.
Stupid internet connection.

Update.

Dear _____,

I'm envious of you, still. I'm jealous of many things you can do and I can't. But despite that I still love you. no matter how much you scare me or what you say that will never change.
But most of all.
The thing I hate most out of all of this.
Is how much I miss you.

Love,
Kelly

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Deep.
That actually is for someone I'm sure you know who you are. If you're still here though. I don't know.

School is blah. I get the homework the night it's assigned and mope around my house. Oooooh super duper exciting!

I get depressed over various things, mostly having to do with my self esteem (which is in the negatives I might add) but it's nobodies fault it's mine so it's all good.

ASDDFGH. I am on like a HUUUGE writers block. Sure I cough up a poem every now and then but that's not what I want! I haven't been able to write anything since THAT happened. I want one person to help me get out of this annoying block. But that's impossible now.

I wonder how many people on OZ will remember my birthday. I have been mentioning it for a while now but oh well. Also how many people at school. Who knows. Either a lot of people remember or nobody does. We'll just have to see.

Mom gets back from Florida tomorrow. After she gets back we're scheduling a haircut for me. My hair is waaaay too long and out of control and THICK now. I know exactly what I want it to look like. Thanks Leda!

Farewell.
Kelly

Fallen Angel

By the light of the moon I saw the figure that was walking towards me slowly.
She walked up to me, her long dress flowing behind her in the gentle breeze that was sent from the starry night sky.
Silver hair fell across her shoulders and framed her perfect face.
Her electric blue eyes sparkled with mischief as her apple red lips parted in a suspicious grin and said.

"What will you do when he comes? He's coming for you."

Without a trace she was gone, vanished, leaving only a black feather in her wake.
That was when I realized what had just happened.
A fallen angel had just told me my fate.
Death.

Yep. It still stays the same. We all have wishes though I guess.

All I want is for you to spend my birthday with me.

As requested: I was a purple unicorn today.

I want my brain to be organized.

I want to write, right? Yeah.
I get inspired and I have an idea in my head that I like. I try to write it but the right words don't come out. Yeah I know it takes practice to get better. Which I do. It's just I wish my brain wasn't so disorganized. I always have a billion different things swimming through my head. So then eventually I lose the want to write. I lose the 'amazing' idea I had. And just like that, it's gone.
People tell me I'm really creative. I just wish I could be creative when I want to be. Oh well. I'll get there someday I'm sure.

Grrr.

PMS sucks.

Hey.

Hi. I'm back.

Ps. I'm trying to get a design I like for my blogger so you'll see me changing it quite a bit.

From now on all my posts will be left as drafts. I'm not going to post anything else for a long long time. Don't ask questions okay? Just go along with it. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

Ignore this. Ignore me.

I'm useless.
I know that, don't tell me I'm not.
I can't do anything without being upset over it somehow.
Don't tell me I'm being annoying with my low self esteem, I know I have it.
I know I'm being a bitch. I know I get upset over the weirdest things.
I'm naive and stubborn, and really stupid at times.
I know I can be annoying.
I'm getting worse and worse and worse by the day.
I want to be left the fuck alone but then I don't at the same time.
I try not to talk... I always end up doing so though in the end and spilling it all out.
I'm ungrateful about my life, everything.
I always want more than I have.
I don't want anyone involved.
But I do.
I'm mixed up.
I'm also a biter. Who knew.
Don't come up to me and ask "What's wrong?" Because I'm going to lie my ass off to you by telling you I'm fine.
I want people to baby me but I don't at the same time.
People close to me are getting hurt and I hate it.
I hate it so much.
_ ____ __ ___.
You'll never know what that sentence is. HA.
I feel so devious.
Just leave me alone.
-moody teenager alert-

We all have it I guess.

Except those that don't.
I can work it out on my own.
Maybe.
Nobody reads this anyway so just go along with your life.
I'll be fine I'm just actually posting this instead of keeping a draft because.... idk.
If you wonder why I've disappeared from pretty much everything this is why.
So walk along.
Nothing to see here.
I'm saying this for myself.
Kelly

I feel sick.
I also want to sleep forever. LET'S GIVE IT OUR BEST TONIGHT!

It's over now. It had never really seemed like it started for me... But it's all over now. Wonderful.